Because of Her Read online

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and beyond the intent of the author or publisher.

  Copyright © 2018 by Ava Danielle

  To you, who has been dying to find out if Jenna chose love.

  JANUARY

  It’s been a great dinner with Jenna, as every dinner. We talked for hours in the restaurant about all our dreams and visions. They’ll never come true, we each have different dreams of the future, somehow it all still works between us. We’re happy. We’ve been happy since high school. There are some secrets I’m keeping and I’m not sure if she’ll ever forgive me for them.

  Caught up in some drugs I fell into an addiction. It’s a secret I’ve been able to keep hidden from her, very well I might add. She hasn’t suspected. One night while out with the guys it was passed around the table. I tried it. I enjoyed it. I escaped into another world. And it wasn’t but soon after I started selling it. The money flowing between my fingers made me feel powerful. It became routine. So much so I was busted. Jenna assumed I was away for work. She never suspected I was locked up. Instead of staying in prison for a minor crime, I opted to help the police find the true criminals who have been making and distributing the drugs. I opted to go undercover with them and it became my mission.

  Watching your girlfriend frantically scream while you’re faking your own death has to be the worst thing in the world. I saw her through the holes of the body bag, distraught, a complete mess. At that point I realized this might have been the biggest mistake of my life. The screams released from her lips will haunt me for the rest of my life. Knowing that once the case is closed I can come back to her and explain everything, it will make it worth it when she jumps back into my arms.

  JANUARY

  Assuming married life would be a glorious thing I was mistaken after I married Sabrina. The longer life with her continues, the more I despise myself. It’s such a horrible thing to say, it’s just not what I pictured being married. The passion is slowly dissipating and it feels like we’re in our late 80s and bodies can’t be controlled. It’s a sad situation since it’s only been a few years that we’ve been married. I thought I had made the right decision. Truth to be told, there’s only one woman that I will ever truly love.

  EVER. TRULY. LOVE.

  And she’s dating my old best friend.

  STILL.

  I married Sabrina because we had a lot in common. How we met was actually over the phone. She’s the 911 operator and we’ve been in cahoots a lot over certain cases. I thought she was such a calm and caring person, but after time that changed a bit. She became overbearing, bossy, extremely jealous; attributes I couldn’t get behind. We drifted apart, in my eyes. We became less of a couple and I found myself picking on her when I had no reason to, just to upset her. I became more of an asshole to her than I’ve ever been to anyone I supposedly love.

  When I heard Noah, one of my closest friends from High school passed away, I was shocked. Back in high school we would chase that football together, we had the same circle of friends, only he got the girl I most wanted. Out of respect for our friendship, I let him have her knowing he would treat her right. They were head over heels for each other and seeing her happy made my heart content. That doesn’t mean secretly I didn’t wish she were with me. I was the epitome of the 80s song, “Jesse’s Girl,” only she was Noah’s girl.

  Instead of dwelling on the past and things I can’t change from back then, I decide it would be appropriate to send her an email with my condolences of losing Noah. It must be hard. As I’ve read in the article he had died in a house fire. I’ve seen plenty of bodies in fires due to my profession, witnessing such a horrendous scene is not something you can take lightly or ever forget.

  FEBRUARY

  Watching your girlfriend struggle with life and strut through the streets with a sad look is the hardest part of living and regrets fill me every day. I want to stop her and take the pain away to show her it was all a cover up. I want to take the burden of losing me from her. I want to show her that I’m alive and well but missing her like crazy.

  Hiding in corners observing her mood and interactions with Cassie might be the wrong thing to do, but I have to protect her. I also have to keep telling myself she’ll be mine again when all of this is over. She’ll fall into my arms and all these months of being apart will be behind me. It’s all worth it – I have to tell myself that over and over.

  She’s out having fun. She’s dancing, singing, and drinking beer. She’s drowning the pain away and I can’t blame her. Her best friend is right there to take care of her, but our eyes locked as I was observing her. My heart raced knowing this is the moment the cover is blown. Hiding under my hoodie hoping for the best, I try to not lay eyes on her again. We connected and that scares the shit out of me. I know I’m not wasting my time watching her, but this might have been a mistake. I feel her inching closer and I prepare the speech I’m about to give to her over and over in my mind.

  Prepared I wait.

  I wait.

  I wait.

  But she walks out. She’s gone and this is the moment I might have lost her and our connection. She’s given up on me. Parts of me wished she would’ve come to find me, she would’ve noticed and all this could be over, but parts of me is not prepared to give up just yet. I know she’ll wait for me. She’s my Jenna.

  FEBRUARY

  I never got over her.

  I never moved on even after I married another woman and thought I loved that woman as much or more.

  I didn’t.

  Jenna has always been the one for me. Trying to convince myself not to get too attached to Jenna I focus my time and energy on the divorce with Sabrina. This decision has nothing to do with Jenna’s heartbreak or the fact I’m easing my way back into her life, it was a decision I made long before, this just gives me that extra push to move the process along quicker. There’s no love in this marriage and luckily, we decided to wait to have children, they wouldn’t deserve to be dragged through such a hard time.

  NOAH

  “I can’t believe you would ask me that, to choose loving you in order for Bennett to live. You’re crazy,” Jenna paces the room shocked at my request.

  “That’s my demand. If you’d like me to donate a kidney in order for him to live you’ll have to choose me. It’s not that hard actually. You were mine first anyways,” I grin knowing this is a battle I can win against Bennett.

  “No, I won’t do it,” she storms out of the room with no goodbye.

  Giving her time and space to think about it is probably the best decision. I still love her, I never stopped, and if she has any heart at all, she’ll choose me. We can build a new life together and put all this in the past. I know she’ll choose me, she loves Bennett too much to let him die. But she’ll be mine and there’s nothing he can do about it with his life relying on me.

  Waiting for Jenna to return is driving me crazy. It’s been hours and she hasn’t shown up. It’s been hours since I’ve been able to hear her words of choosing me. I keep playing the scenario in my head. She’ll fall next to my bedside, grab my hand, and whisper, “I choose you.”

  In actuality though, she’ll probably be upset. Her and Bennett seem to have a pretty s
trong relationship. I’ve never seen her as happy as she is with him.

  Nonetheless, I can’t go on in my life knowing he won in the end.

  “How are we doing today?” a sexy blonde nurse checks my pulse and adjusts my pillow.

  “Much better now,” I flirt.

  My flirtatious ways go unnoticed, she disappears and ignores me completely. Doesn’t matter, only one woman matters to me and I’m still waiting for an answer from her.

  BENNETT

  Painfully I wake from what felt like a nightmare. Jenna sits by my side holding my hand with tears streaming down her face. “What’s wrong baby?” I whisper in a weak tone.

  “Nothing,” she squeezes my hand, “I’m happy to see you’re okay,” she sighs.

  “Have you talked to the doctors?” I’m curious.

  “I have,” she looks down.

  “Noah,” I exhale noisily, “as if things couldn’t get any worse.”

  “Babe,” the saddest look on her face, “I need you to know that I’ll always love you. Only you. My heart breaks with what I’m about to tell you. But it’s for your health. It’s for you to continue to live your life. Even if it’s without me,” she sobs.

  “What are you saying?” I’m puzzled.

  “I’m going back to Noah.”

  Those words hit me harder than any bullet ever could. She looks serious but with uncontrollable tears. At this moment in time, I wish I had died. This feeling of heartbreak feels worse than any gunshot. I try to argue with her. I tried to stop her from making the biggest mistake ever, but I have no strength to stop her.

  Cassie enters the room and brings sunshine through the window with her presence. She seems happy to see us both and the smile across her face suddenly vanishes as she sees the sadness across our faces.

  “Hey, why do you guys look like someone died?”

  “Because I did,” Jenna voices and leaves the room and me behind.

  “What the fuck?” Cassie is frozen into the spot she last stopped, “What’s wrong with her?”

  “I think we just broke up,” I stare at the ceiling holding back tears of my own.

  “WHAT?” she shouts.

  “Cassie, I don’t know what happened. She chose Noah,” those words hurt like fucking hell.

  “You’re kidding. This is some kind of prank, she would never choose him, she loves you Bennett.”

  “Not nearly as much as she loves him apparently.”

  “There’s been a mistake, Bennett. There’s got to be a plausible explanation. This makes no sense,” she starts to walk away, “I’ll handle it.”

  “Cassie,” I shout, “Just let her go. It’s her decision. If she still loves him, if she forgave him, I’ll have to accept that. Don’t change her mind.”

  “That’s the thing, Bennett. She wouldn’t choose him. This shit isn’t right.”

  Leaving me wounded and broken I try to wrap my mind around it. Of course, she would choose him. She lost him. She grieved for him. He was close to dying again and this time she realized that he really is the one. I was just the consolation prize. She believed she loved me, I wooed her into believing I was the one she was supposed to be with, only because she was trying to get over losing Noah. Noah is back. She has him the same way she had him before he fucked up. They’re meant to be and I have to accept that.

  NOAH

  “Fine, you got me, that’s what you wanted right? Now give him your fucking kidney,” Jenna storms into the room with swollen eyes and hair pulled into a bun looking like she hadn’t slept in years.

  “I’m supposed to take your word?” I eat my pudding admiring her beauty.

  “Are you fucking kidding me? I just broke up with him to be with you. You, the man that betrayed me. You, the man stooping so low, you have to blackmail me with a kidney. You, the man that thinks you deserve everything when in reality, you deserve to be lonely.”

  She’s standing by the window looking out with her back to me.

  “Honey, it only hurts right now, but with time we’ll be back to the way things were before all this happened.”

  She snorts, “Yeah, whatever you need to tell yourself.”

  Silently she cries and hasn’t been by my bedside once.

  She’s cold.

  She’s distant.

  She’s broken and I did that to her.

  I have loved Jenna since I was a teenager and I can’t go on living without her. I’ve made mistakes, I know that, but I’m trying to repair them. We’ll get back to the way things were before. There’s no telling how long it will take, but we’ll get there and she’ll forget all about him. Bennett doesn’t deserve her. He left a woman for her, who’s to say he wouldn’t leave Jenna for someone else. She’s safe with me, she’ll get all the love she deserves and needs.

  “Noah,” she whispers as she sits in a nearby chair as she’s interrupted by Cassie entering the room.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?” she shouts at Jenna.

  “Hey, calm down, don’t talk to her that way,” I sit up.

  “You shut the fuck up. This woman has been through hell because of you, she shouldn’t be sitting in this room. What did you do?” she shouts at me.

  “What makes you think I did anything to her?” I argue with her.

  “Because you’re a vindictive asshole, that’s why.”

  “Stop it, Cassie,” Jenna interrupts.

  “What happened? You love Bennett, remember?”

  Jenna looks at me trying to find words.

  “Jenna!” Cassie stares at her.

  “Let’s talk outside,” she grabs Cassie’s hand.

  “Jenna, that’s only for you and I to know,” I give her a pleading look.

  “I just love Noah more,” she utters through gritted teeth.

  JENNA

  This is the beginning of the end. This is where my forever leads, down a sad path I chose for myself. It wouldn’t have been my decision. I would never have chosen him over Bennett. I had no choice. Bennett’s life hangs in the balance and I’m not one for letting him die. He deserves a bright life.

  He deserves to be happy even if it’s with one of Noah’s kidneys.

  He deserves to find someone to love.

  Unfortunately, it won’t be me and that hurts more than anything else ever could.

  Noah is happy with my decision.

  Cassie is pissed at me, and I’m not sure Bennett will ever forgive me. In fact, I moved in with Noah and left all that happiness behind.

  The office has been run by Cassie while I sit back and cry in a corner every day. I have no energy left.

  Everything that has ever meant anything to me is in my past.

  The goodbyes hurt.

  Everything that has made me happy no longer exists in my life. Noah tries to cheer me up but he’s the last person I want cheering me up.

  I wish he’d died.

  I wish he’d died the first time.

  I wish he’d died the second time.

  I just wish he’d died.

  How am I supposed to go on pretending everything is great in my life when I miss Bennett every second of my day? I can’t concentrate on anything.

  All I want is him.

  All I want to do is run to him.

  He would never forgive me for what I’ve done.

  He would never understand.

  “Babe,” Noah shouts from the kitchen as I sit in the living room staring out onto the streets watching cars zoom by.

  “What?” I mumble with no care in the world.

  “Jerk won’t leave until he’s seen you’re alive,” he utters annoyed.

  Jerk? I leave the living room and head towards the kitchen as I see Bennett standing in the doorway.

  “You couldn’t ask him to come in?” I snarl at Noah.

  “Why should I?” he sits at the kitchen counter and watches us interact.

  “Can we talk?” Bennett asks as I see the evil in Noah’s eyes.

  “It’s not nice to call your ol
d friends Jerks,” I utter to Noah as I decide to leave the house with Bennett.

  “How are you doing?” he sees the pain in my eyes.

  “I’m good. I’m sorry he’s being an ass,” I mumble, “What are you doing here?”

  “I had to see for myself that you’ve moved on,” he sighs.

  “I didn’t,” I whisper, but he heard me.

  “What?’ you can tell he expects me to repeat myself.

  “Nothing,” I utter.

  “Bullshit,” Bennett raises his voice as I jump at his words.

  As I turn to head back into the house I feel his hand grab hold of me and pull me back towards him, “I love you. I loved you back then, I love you now, and I know when something isn’t right, and something is clearly not right. Your eyes are bloodshot, babe, don’t you think that I can’t see that.”

  “I chose him,” I whisper looking on the ground.

  “Why did you choose him? If you can tell me that I’ll leave.”

  “Because I love him,” I avoid eye contact.

  “Bullshit, again,” Bennett huffs.

  “Bennett, please, just leave.”

  “I’ll find the real reason,” he pulls away from me.

  “Hospital,” I murmur as I leave him behind not looking at him, too afraid I’ll fall once I see his beautiful eyes staring back at me.

  I know I might have fucked up by telling him where he can find his answers. I made a promise to Noah that I would never tell Bennett why I chose Noah. I made a promise in return for someone’s life. But after it’s all said and done and Bennett gets to live his life to the fullest, should I continue to suffer through the pain of this lie?

  Every day I battle with the thoughts of coming clean, afraid Bennett would despise me for it. Thoughts also cross my mind that he might forgive me and take me back into his arms where I truly belong.